We were discussing a condundrum of fag nomenclature at the Eagle last week. It so happens that we have two Todds in our loose circle of friends. One is white, one is black. Logically, they became White Todd and Black Todd. Luckily, Black Todd is not only unoffended, he thinks it's hilarious to call and leave me phone messages from "Black Todd".
This sort of verbal shorthand as visual ID is not uncommon in my circle. We have Spanish Robert, New York John, Not Right Richard, Stinky Ed, Tall Jim and others.
A few weeks ago, our friend Steve appeared at beer bust with the guy he'd been dating from New Jersey, another 'Todd'...and also black. The new Black Todd is a personal trainer to high-powered execs/CEO's who chopper him in to Manhattan for in-office sessions. No, really.
As you might guess, trainer Black Todd has the type of body that looks like it came from the Circuit Party World Headquarters, from the "Compared To This, You Look Like A Mean Joke From God" division. And his ass! Freekin hell! His ass! His ass arrived at beer bust about 3 minutes after HE did, in a separate cab.
And so naturally, the new Todd was named Black Ass Todd. To review: White Todd (and never do we drop the 'White'), Black Todd, and Black Ass Todd now crowd our All Todd world.
Well.
Sunday afternoon, Black Ass Todd was drinking beer with us. At one point, over the music, he heard my buddy Ray say, "Here, hand this beer to Black Ass Todd." And Black Ass Todd immediately got a bit agitated.
"What did you call me? I know I just didn't hear you say that!"
Joe to the rescue. I patiently reviewed with Black Ass Todd the chain of events that lead to the naming of White Todd and Black Todd. And how he could see our problem when we very improbably gained another Black Todd.
He said, "So I gotta be Black Ass Todd because I'm darker skinned than Black Todd? You think that's funny? If I hear that shit again, I will slap that racist name right outta your head!"
Everyone began apologizing and stammering and laughing nervously.
I said, "C'mon Todd. We're not saying 'Black Ass' the same way people say 'big ass truck' or 'ugly ass bitch'. Ass is NOT an adjective in Black Ass Todd. It's a NOUN."
Black Ass Todd stared at me.
I continued, "We call you 'Black Ass Todd'...well, because ya got that damn big fine ASS, Todd!"
Silence.
Then, "Do you think AOL would let me have 'BlackAssTodd' as a screen name?"
Originally posted May 4, 2004