I Ain't No She-Male



By Monica Roberts and Dawn Wilson
Originally Published in THE LETTER


We read Noah (Tina) Williams' `She-Males Need Love, Too' article
that was published in the August 2002 issue of The Letter. While
there's no disagreement with the premise of the story, we do have one major problem with it: Noah's advocation of the use of the term `she-male'.

Noah asked in the article what was wrong with the she-male label and
why it was disliked by transsexuals. Well, be careful what you wish
for, because we're about to tell you why.

Grab yourself something to eat and a comfortable seat, because school is now in session.

First, sit down at your computer and prepare to surf the Net using
your friendly neighborhood web browser. Select your favorite search
engine and type in `transsexual'. Note how many responses you get
for `transsexual' and the type. You'll have some X-rated content,
but for the most part the responses you'll get will be fairly
positive. Now let's clear your favorite search engine and type
in `she-male'. You'll notice two things: You'll get more hits when
you type in `she-male' and two, the she-male hits will be
predominately X-rated sites.

That is the major reason why many transsexuals have a severe problem
with being called she- males. But it goes far deeper than that. The
term was coined by one of the transgendered community's bitter
enemies, Janice Raymond. This nattering nabob of negativity
concocted the term when she wrote her infamous 1979 book, The
Transsexual Empire: The Making of the She- Male. This mean-spirited
book is to many transgendered people the equivalent of Mein Kampf in
terms of its Ann Coulteresque rant against transsexuals. It is doubly
insulting because these words are now inextricably tied to the sex
industry.

Besides, there's already a term in use coined by transsexuals to
describe someone in Noah's situation. Can you say non-operative
transsexual?

Say it with us. Non-operative transsexual.
Good, we know you can do it.

The beauty of the words `non-operative transsexual' is that it not
only accurately explains who you perceive that you are, it also
avoids the use of a phrase that is used in the sex industry.
With the growth of Internet adult web sites, the word has only
exploded in infamy in the transgendered community's eyes.

As persons of color we take exception to that phrase to describe us
because of its negative connotation. Thanks to Jerry Springer and
others we already have it tough enough in terms of our images.
I don't like going into GLBT clubs and having people walk up to me
and asking "How much?". I'm blessed to be born as an attractive and
intelligent African-American transperson, and so is Dawn. I get tired
of people assuming I'm a sex worker just because they saw another
attractive African-American sista showing all of her private parts on
she-male whatever.com

Dawn and I have spent years perfecting and polishing our images to be
the African-American women that we were meant to be. Our families and
the African-American community expect us to live up to that.
The last thing either one of us want to hear is someone advocating
the use of `she-male' as a acceptable descriptive term. I can't
speak for Dawn, but call me a she-male and be prepared for the
verbal tongue lashing that will swiftly follow. Yes, I loathe it
that much.

One thing that you'll learn as a minority is that image is
everything. We've learned that painful lesson over 400 years of
history. Carolyn Gerard stated in 1971,"To manipulate an image is to
control a peoplehood. Zero image has for a long time meant the
repression of our peoplehood."

What that means is that you have to control the message. Submitting
to using the `she-male' epithet to describe us means that we have
given up control of our images to people who don't like us and
ultimately want to destroy our community.

That's how serious this is. That's why our people have gone from being called `Colored' to `Negro' to `Black' to `African-American'.
African-American is more descriptive of who we are, Americans who
trace our ancestry to the African continent. The other words are
ones that we used at various time in our history here in the United
States that we agreed as a community to call ourselves. The n-word is
what we are called by others who hate us. While some people within
the African-American community still use that word, it isn't
acceptable to many of us.

In the transgender community a majority of us have agreed that `she-
male' is not something that we wish to use as a descriptive term.
For a person who chooses not to have surgery, non operative
transsexual accomplishes the same thing as African-American does for
our community.

But you're right on one point. We need to have much love for non-
operative transsexuals, and we'll start with you. If we ever get the
opportunity to meet you, we'll be the first ones to give you a big
hug. There's the bell. Class dismissed.

EKU Pride Alliance Offends African-American community - Perspective



Less than 24 hours after I posted the Shirley Q. Liquor article to the TransGriot blog, I received word from friends matriculating on the University of Louisville campus that Shirley Q. Liquor was poised to bring her noxious act to the Eastern Kentucky University campus in Richmond, KY.

A team of activists and other concerned parties immediately mobilized to stop the show and at the same time educate people on why we in the African-American community were so upset about it.

We got the word last night that the performance slated for April 29 was cancelled.

EKU Pride Alliance offends African-American community - Perspective


There have been new developments since we got the word of the cancellation of the Shirley Q. Liquor show at EKU. The Director for Multicutural Student Affairs Zenetta McDaniel Coleman wrote a response to my orginal letter that was published in the May 4 issue of EKU Eastern Progress. She's African-American and seems to have the opinion based on her letter that Shirley Q. is performance art.

Shirley Q. Liquor show strictly performance

As Director of Multicultural Student Affairs, I am compelled to write this letter in defense of Pride Alliance and the Shirley Q. Liquor controversy. This is especially important having just concluded a campus observation of First Amendment Week, which included information about freedom of speech and freedom of expression.

The letter that was published in last week's issue of The Progress by Monica Roberts, who is not even a member of Eastern's campus community, had some misinformation. Pride Alliance did take into consideration the reaction of the African-American community in late February when it was considering bringing Shirley Q. Liquor to campus.

On two separate occasions, this topic was discussed with leaders of black student organizations at a biweekly meeting we have called the Meeting of the Minds. There was some discomfort expressed by a few of the members, but the majority of the membership felt it was OK to have Pride Alliance bring her to campus. This topic also was discussed with various students who frequent my office with very little dissent.

It would have been impossible to have polled every single student. One student went as far as to commend Pride Alliance for even approaching the black leaders since many student organizations could care less what other non-members think about their programming and/or events.

What we all need to keep in mind is that this is an institution of higher learning. Your purpose as students is to gain knowledge, have new experiences and hopefully develop a greater level of objectivity. I just wish that those who protested would have taken the time to see the performance and then decide collectively how to respond.

This is about culture, and drag is strictly performance. What if a student organization wanted to invite the Wayans brothers to campus? In the movie "White Chicks," the brothers portrayed black men who dressed up as white women. Still, I did not read much about any type of disturbance at the movie theaters because most of us were inside enjoying the show.

As it turns out, Pride Alliance canceled the show, a gesture the group clearly did not have to do. I want to say thank you to the members of Pride Alliance for respecting the feelings of others on campus. Most don't know that by canceling the show they lost a HUGE amount of money as Shirley Q. Liquor was already under contract and had been paid.

Lastly, some students who might be unaware of university protocol are under the impression that I "approved" Shirley Q. Liquor's performance. It is not my place to approve or disapprove anything student organizations want to do. It is my role to advise those organizations to which I serve as faculty adviser and to support every student on this campus.

That is what I am here to do and that is what I will continue to do.

Zenetta McDaniel Coleman
Director of Multicultural
Student Affairs


My Response to Ms. Coleman

To Ms. Coleman, The EKU Pride Alliance and the EKU community,

I had to respond to Ms. Zenetta McDaniel Coleman’s May 4 letter in the Eastern Progress.

While I may not be matriculating on your lovely campus, I am a resident of the Commonwealth of Kentucky and the taxes I pay help support this institution. I visited the EKU campus for a recent fencing tournament a month ago.

Thanks for enlightening me to the fact that the EKU Pride Alliance consulted with African-American student leaders. You are correct in stating that the Pride Committee did a commendable job in consulting with non-members about bringing Shirley Q. Liquor to the EKU campus. That leads me to wonder whether they knew on some level that Shirley Q. Liquor’s appearance on campus would cause a problem and wanted cover so that they could say if things blew up “Well, we talked to African-American leaders and they said that it was okay.”

The Pride Alliance had to know that Shirley Q. Liquor’s appearance at EKU would cause drama. Performances in New York, Boston and Washington DC had been picketed and canceled. The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force has criticized the show. National gay newspapers have written articles on the controversy since 2002. Keith Boykin’s blog has an archived article about it. I wrote a May 2005 column in THE LETTER that talked about this issue and that article is on my TransGriot blog.

If the Pride Alliance wanted to bring a drag act to campus, I’m sure that the folks at The Bar Complex in Lexington or The Connection in Louisville would have been able to recommend someone either locally or nationally whose performance would have been more respectful to our culture.

And now, here’s a synopsis of the Shirley Q. Liquor show:

Chuck Knipp’s act caricatures an impoverished Black woman and draws from a number of stereotypes about African Americans. Shirley Q. speaks Ebonically, spends her days waiting for government checks to arrive in the mail, and has 19 children (some named after venereal diseases). The fathers of these children are unknown to her.

Is this the show you wished that people on the EKU campus could see, Ms Coleman?

Maybe you didn’t hear Chuck’s rousing song ’12 Days of Kwanzaa’. It’s a favorite Christmas ditty of white supremacists and was broadcast on several Southern radio stations last year.

I’m glad you brought up the Wayans Brothers and their ‘White Chicks ‘ movie. The difference between the Wayans brothers and Chuck Knipp is that the Wayans Brothers aren’t intentionally disrespecting white people with their one-time performance. They aren’t selling merchandise based on those characters in a section of their website entitled ‘Gifts of Ignunce’ or doing a performance tour based on those characters called the ‘Tour of Ignunce’.

I noticed you didn’t dispute my point that blackface images still carry much pain and historical baggage for many African-Americans even in the early 21st Century. The history of these images is linked with white supremacy. ‘Darkie’ products, theatrical pieces such as ‘Birth of A Nation’ and jokes arose to support those images that were used from the 1830’s through the early 20th century to demean, ridicule and lampoon African-Americans.

Sounds eerily familiar to Shirley Q. Liquor’s act.

The timing was also horrendous. Kentucky is in an uproar over a gay student being expelled from the University of the Cumberlands. Money is being cut from several Kentucky college budgets (including EKU’s) to fund a pharmacy school on a discriminatory campus. In the middle of all this turmoil a white gay man appears to perform on a state funded college campus doing an act that lampoons African-Americans.

Can you say PR disaster?

In the Spike Lee movie ‘Bamboozled’, blackface and minstrel images were used to satirize the way Hollywood misuses Black images and he was harshly criticized for it. So if Spike Lee couldn’t get away with using these images, what makes Chuck Knipp think that he can? .

I sincerely thank the EKU Pride Alliance for respecting the feelings of my community and making that painful decision to cancel the Shirley Q. Liquor performance.

I do have one final question, though. Is it too late for the Pride Alliance to put a stop payment on the check they sent to Chuck Knipp?

Monica Roberts
Transsistahs-Transbrothas Founder
Louisville, KY

Say It Ain't So, Patti!



For many Black GLBT people, Patti Labelle is The Diva. She's the face that has launched a thousand female illusionist careers with her larger than life stage presence and antics, unique wigs and designer costumes. She's the sistahgirl that everybody can relate to. She had a long friendship with Sylvester and other gay men. She's had her share of tragedy and bumps in the road too.

Through it all her loyal Black GLBT fan base has been there to scoop up her records, buy her books, watch her TV appearances such as 'A Different World' and lend a sympathetic ear to their favorite singer. Walk into any Black gay club in the country. I can guarantee that if they're doing a drag show, somebody will come out dressed as Patti, will perform with her music playing in the background or the entire club will be dancing to a remix of it.

So it was a shock to hear that Patti sang at a recent Easter Sunday service in the Georgia Dome sponsored by Atlanta's New Birth Baptist Church. It's the home church of gay-hating Bishop Eddie Long and his associate pastor Rev. Bernice King. (the baby daughter of Dr. Martin Luther King) Two years ago they led an odious anti-gay march in the ATL that started at the foot of Dr. King's grave to protest marriage equality.

In addition to hating on gays, Bishop Long belives that women were put on earth to procreate.

"Woman is the soul of man. She is his flesh consciousness. In
essence, God made Eve to help Adam replenish the earth. Woman has the
canal…everything else is an exit. God had to separate Adam and Eve
where they connected so he could tell them to reconnect in covenant
to duplicate Him. In Christ, God puts his seed in us. Any other way
is a spiritual abortion. Cloning, Homosexuality and Lesbianism are
spiritual abortions. Homosexuality is a manifestation of the fallen
man." ---Bishop Eddie Long


Patti's also alleged to have made comments during an NBC television interview that seem to suggest that she supports Bigot Long. I'm still looking for the transcript of that interview to verify that.

If it's true, Black gays would be justifiably outraged and within their rights to call for boycotts of everythang Patti. If she won't stand with and stand up for a community that has loyally supported her career from jump street, then we don't need to be giving her our hard earned dollars.

We can start sending the message with the new flick she's in called 'Preaching to the Choir.' It also has a slammin' movie soundtrack that I won't be adding to my massive CD collection. That's too bad. Patti's vocals were slammin' on the house-flavored 'I Believe' track.

But we're standing on principle here. Patti LaBelle is either a friend to our African-American GLBT community or not and we need to know where she stands. If she's choosing to stand with Bishop Evil, Mini-She and all his faith-based bigot friends, then I'll be bypassing her CD's for a while.

You know, I've put off buying the Alicia Keys 'Unplugged', Kem and John Legend ones for way too long anyway.

Where is the Transgender Martin Luther King?



TransGriot Note:
This question was asked last year on another transgender list I'm on and this was my response.



If a transgender Martin Luther King existed, would the Caucasian transgender community let go of their racism, their zeal to hold on to white male privilege at any cost and their destructive co-dependent relationship with HRC to follow him?

If a transgender Martin Luther King existed, would they follow him (or her) or would they stab him/her in the back and work to undermine their leadership as they have done with other African-American trans leaders of color?

If a transgender Martin Luther King existed, would they listen to his/her
speeches, read their words and turn them into coordinated action, or
would they criticize him as 'being too divisive', 'playing the race
card', or sabotage what he was trying to do and then brag that they were
glad they stopped 'that uppity n****r'?

If a transgender Martin Luther King existed, would they follow him or
ignore and disrespect him because they have a problem with his deeply
held Christian beliefs?

God may have already blessed us with a transgender Martin Luther King.
That person could be sitting in some preschool right now. They could be in a middle school or high school being mercilessly teased by other students or bullied. They could be matriculating in college. They could be on the Transsistahs-Transbrothas list. They could be anywhere and have an awareness of the transgender rights movement, but observed the things that have been done by the Caucasian transcommunity to various leaders of color over the years and opted not to participate.

If current activists of color can't get people to quit ignoring what they have to say, dissing their contributions to the overall transgender community or are unwilling to see past their various individual self-interests to work on behalf of a entire community, why should a transgender Martin Luther King expect better treatment? That's probably why you haven't seen him or her.

We shouldn't be expecting or looking for a messianic leader to lead us out of the wilderness toward the Promised Land of equality. There aren't that many people on this planet who possess Dr. King's combination of analytical intellect, scientific curiosity, superior oratory skills, writing skills, political pragmatism, telegenic looks, courage, strategic vision and sprituality in one package.

As Dr. King so eloquently stated, "Everybody can be great. Because
anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to
serve. You don't have to make your subject and your verb agree to
serve. You don't have to know about Plato or Aristotle to serve.
You don't have to know about Einstein's Theory of Relativity to serve.
You don't have to know the second theory of thermodynamics in physics
to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love."

There's a lot of work to do. Let's get busy.

Tommie Ross



There have been many women, trans and non trans who have inspired and motivated me at various times during my life long journey to become a Phenomenal Transwoman.

From time to time I'll talk about them and the qualities that they possess that I admired so much I've incorporatd them into my own unique expression of womanhood.


I'll start this series off with Tommie Ross.

I was first made aware of her existence courtesy of a 1980 article in the Houston Defender, one of the local African-American newspapers. The article mentioned that she performed at a club in Montrose but declined to give its name or location. I had a pretty good idea where it was and the club's name. Studio 13 on Westheimer Rd.

I rolled up to Studio 13 on a Sunday show night and watched Tommie perform for the first time. Houston during that early 80's time period before the initial wave of HIV/AIDS deaths decimated their ranks was a hotbed of female impersonation. We had Naomi Sims gearing up to win Miss Gay America at the time and Hot Chocolate was about to leave Houston for the bright lights of Las Vegas.

I marveled at Tommie's on stage elegant moves which extended to the way she carried herself off stage. She was cordial to her fans and always presented herself in a regal but not arrogant demeanor. I got the chance to talk to her at a short lived Black Houston GLBT club called Uptown-Downtown in 1990. I discovered that she's not only quite intelligent but plays a mean game of pool. She'd heard about me and seen me around the clubs. Tommie is a person that I always wanted to explore the possibilty of forming a friendship with but my increasing involvement with state and national level transgender politics and her pageant schedule kept that from happening to my chagrin.

She's living in the Memphis, TN area now and has gone on to capture the Miss Continental title in addition to countless others in her legendary career.

Thanks to that Defender article, I got the opportunity to discover a window to the African-American transgender community, meet a quality person and began traveling that winding road that led to me becoming a Phenomenal Transwoman in my own right.

Houston Proud!



I get teased a lot about my Texas and Houston roots and my unabashed pride and love I have and continue to express for my hometown. Well, I have a lot to be proud about.

It was one of the few cities to desegregate without the violence that took place elsewhere. It has a long history of distinguished African-American leaders from Norris Wright Cuney to Barbara Jordan and Mickey Leland. That torch has been ably picked up by US Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, former mayor Lee Brown and other African-American leaders who continue to serve not only their fellow Houstonians but have garnered attention at a national level as well.

It is home to The Ensemble, one of the best African-American theater groups in the country. It has spawned a long list of hometown musical artists that cross several genres of music from jazz to R&B, hip-hop and gospel. Joe Sample, Yolanda Adams and Beyonce Knowles all call the city home. Hall of Famers in several sports such as Mike Singletary, Darrell Green and Clyde 'The Glide' Drexler played in HISD schools before finding their way to the pro ranks and having distinguished careers.

I grew up in South Park scarfing up Blue Bell ice cream, Harlon's barbecue and Frenchy's chicken. Hanging out at AstroWorld. Spending summer days at the beaches in Galveston and Freeport. Watching Astros and Oilers games at the Dome and Rockets and Comets games at Compaq. Checking out the TSU 'Ocean of Soul' which was the inspiration for every Black high school band in the city. Field trips to NASA.
Grooving to Kirk Whalum at Midtown Live in the early 80's. Watching the classic high school games between Yates and Wheatley, Kashmere and Booker T. Washington, Forest Brook and Smiley. When my generation entered high school it became my beloved Jones Falcons vs Sterling and Yates. Madison vs Sterling and Yates. Worthing vs Madison.

The University of Houston's Phi Slama Jama. The 'unbeatable' Houston Rockets winning the NBA championship in 1994-95 and the joyous city wide celebrations it set off followed by the Comets WNBA dynasty from 1997-2000. The Astros finally making it to the World Series last year.

And how could I forget Mattress Mac and his late night commercials for Gallery Furniture 'saving you money' and the man who the Melvin P. Thorpe character in 'Best Little Whorehouse in Texas' is modeled on, Marrrrrrrrrrrrvin Zindler, Eyeeeeeeeeewitness News?

Yeah, I still have much love for H-Town. Could y'all please FedEx me some Frenchy's chicken and some Blue Bell homemade vanilla ice cream?

It's OK -- He's Only Playing A Man Playing A Woman


By Megan Scott
Associated Press

NEW YORK - Black America is in love with man in a dress. This one wears a wig, no bra and carries a gun. Her name is Madea, and she's a smart-talking, no-nonsense-taking, grandma-with-an-attitude.

She believes in hot grits (for more than eating), a good butt-whuppin' here and there, and telling it like it is.

The plays and movies featuring Tyler Perry's alter ego, Madea, have become box-office hits over the past several years, grossing more than $130 million, according to Forbes magazine. His latest film - Madea's Family Reunion - brought in $30 million opening weekend last month and debuted at number one.

It was a follow-up to last year's Diary of a Mad Black Woman, which drew people in hordes, shocking Hollywood movie critics.

Beyond the popularity of the character, Madea also reveals a dark side to the black community. There are real-life Madeas - black transgender people - who are ostracized by the same packs going to see Perry's plays and movies.

"This seems hypocritical that we can go to a theater and put on the glasses and don't see what we are really looking at," said Jasmyne Cannick, one of the founders of the National Black Justice Coalition, a gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender advocacy organization. "At the end of the day, Madea is Tyler Perry in drag."

Cross-dressing for laughs is nothing new. Shakespeare relied on this trick to power the humor of Twelfth Night and As You Like It. Black men have been playing women since vaudeville and the Harlem Renaissance. In the 1970s, Flip Wilson was popular with black and white audiences as Geraldine Jones on his variety show. Wesley Snipes played a woman in To Wong Foo: Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar in 1995. And Martin Lawrence's Big Momma's House and Big Momma's House 2 were blockbusters.

But no one is looking at these men as drag queens. Their characters are not transgendered, said Sylvia Rhue, the director of religious affairs for the National Black Justice Coalition.

Madea is drawn as a heterosexual woman, with children and grandchildren. Her husband is presumed to be dead. Black churches would welcome her into their congregation, Rhue said.

But what about Tyler Perry dressed as Madea on a daily basis? "He would have a little problem," she admits.

At the end of the day, Rhue said that the movie is not that deep.

"Tyler Perry is not playing a man who wants to be a woman," she said. "Madea is a woman in woman's clothing. People are looking at Madea as a grandmother who is very funny. We accept Tyler Perry in the role because he pulls it off. It's not a real-world situation."

There is a difference, said Richard Wesley, the head of the Rita and Burton Goldberg Department for Dramatic Writing at New York University.

In one case, a man is deliberately dressing up as a woman and using humor to point at a particular experience within the black community.

In the other a man prefers to dress as a woman and carries himself as a woman. "We don't accept that," he said.

"If Tyler Perry showed up at church dressed as Madea and is expecting people to take him seriously or is revealing himself as a transvestite, he would have a serious problem," Wesley said.

And that's the problem. When the cameras stop running, there are men still wearing dresses.

"I don't have a problem with the content of the movie," Cannick said. "My problem is with this community that embraces the idea of men playing roles as females on the screen but cannot embrace that idea in real life."

Perry did not return calls for comment. He has said that Madea is the aunt, grandmother or neighbor down the street that most black people over the age of 30 knew growing up - a woman who was loud and brash and strict, but a loving authority figure..

Cannick contends that the only reason black men, such as Lawrence, Perry and Snipes, can play these roles is because they are assumed to be heterosexual.

Vaginal Davis, a punk-rock drag performer based in Los Angeles, said that Big Momma and Madea are pure entertainment. To Davis, the characters aren't designed to give a lesson in acceptance of transgender people. The movies are escapism.

"Let's not forget," said Davis. "The mainstream black community is still extremely rigid and conservative. Individuality isn't always tolerated. ... I don't fit in any group, never have and never will, and I embrace that, and I'm treated accordingly."

Perry is currently doing the stage play Madea Goes to Jail, and a book is coming out called Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings: Madea's Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life.

Katina Parker, who works with issues for people of color for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, hopes black men playing female roles will open up serious dialogue in the black community about transgender people.

"Hopefully, we will one day take it from humor to real discussion about gender identity and gender expression," she said.

Shirley Q. Liquor Is STILL A Minstrel Show



Out of all the columns that I’ve written over the last two years, the one that plucks the most nerves and generated the most criticism (and still does) is the May 2005 one I wrote blasting Shirley Q. Liquor’s 21st century minstrel show.

Exhibit A: A comment on my blog from Marshall (who when I clicked on his profile was too cowardly to leave contact info in it):

You really need to get a life! If you don't like it, don't listen to it! Ever watched In Living Color? A show produced by black folk who did it all the time themselves. The reason racism is still around is because people like you and the protestors in NY wont let it! You are full of it!

My response:

Gee Marshall (if that's your real name) did I strike a nerve?

Sounds like you're another one of Shirley Q's fans who get their panties in a bunch every time ANYONE calls him out for his 21st Century minstrel show which is demeaning and racist to African-American women.

Racism is STILL around because your ancestors encouraged and practiced it for 400 years.

And by the way, I still have the first four seasons of In Living Color on VHS. Shirley Q ain't even in the same league with the Wayans family, much less Jim Carrey.


Shirley’s fan base rose to defend the indefensible. They first tried to call it a comedy act. (Yeah, right) Then the defense line became, "It's satire and you don’t get it." Yeah, the '12 Days of Kwanzaa' was sooo funny white supremacists everywhere have turned it into their favorite Christmas song.

What you Shirley Q. fans don’t get is that minstrel shows and those images still carry a lot of pain for African-Americans and trotting RuPaul out to defend her doesn’t change that one bit.

But the latest defense line is the one I want to talk about in detail. The new spin is that Shirley Q. Liquor is honoring black women by doing her schticKKK. If that were the case, then why schedule a 2002 New York performance on Martin Luther King Day if Mr. Knipp is soooo sensitive to African-American culture and wants to honor the women who raised him?

There will be a short break while I roll my eyes and double over in laughter.

Okay, I’m back. We now return you to your regularly scheduled column

Honoring the black women who raised him? You got to be kidding. I don’t know any African-American women or transwomen who wear blackface, multi-rainbowed eye shadow, an Afro and brag about being a ‘welfare mother with 19 chirren’.

Wanna talk about drag portrayals that honor Black women? Let’s start with the late Flip Wilson’s Geraldine Jones. Even the ones that I have a mild dislike for such as Miguel A. Nunez’s Juwanna Mann,Martin Lawrence’s Big Momma and Shenehneh from his ‘Martin’ show have their base in our culture and aren’t done in a demeaning way.

You may also want to hop down to your local video store and pick up copies of any Tyler Perry play or the movies ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’ and ‘Madea’s Family Reunion’. Tyler Perry’s Mabel ‘Madea’ Simmons IS rooted in our culture and is also played in a way that honors Black women. She represents the family matriarch that takes no prisoners, zealously defends her family members when the world does them wrong and dispenses wisdom and sound advice to all that need it. She also ain’t afraid to administer the rod to unruly disrespectful children either.

But the gold standard for drag performances that honor Black women takes place at any pageant or various GLBT clubs. Legendary divas such as Tommie Ross, Stasha Sanchez and Domanique Shappelle exude beauty, class and dignity and there are other up and coming illusionists who strive to meet those standards that these ladies have set.

Those are cornerstones to living life as an African-American woman. It shows a nekulturny lack of understanding and disrespect for African-American culture and the struggles that we’ve had to survive in this country when you are trying to equate Shirley Q. Liquor with that.

A Life-Long Republican Bids GOP Farewell



by AG Casebeer
Published in the Louisville Courier-Journal April 18, 2006
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was raised in a family that consistently voted Republican. Into the voting booth I went, every November without fail, to pull the levers for my mother and father. And, more often than not, I pulled the lever with the little pachyderm on it, but also levers with Democratic names of distinction. Levers that had names on them like John Sherman Cooper, Marlow Cook, Barry Goldwater, Louie Nunn, Richard Nixon, Romano Mazzoli, Gerald Ford and Harvey Sloane were pulled, at the direction of my parents.

They taught me to vote for the best person for the job, the person who, in their estimation, was most likely to reflect their ethics of honest government, low taxes, responsible spending, provision of necessary government services, a strong defense, maintenance of a social safety net, fresh ideas for dealing with current needs, and civil rights for all. With the exception of Nixon, nearly everyone they voted for fit these standards.

When I was old enough to vote on my own, their ethics stuck with me. I worked briefly for George H.W. Bush's campaign in 1980, then voted twice for Reagan. I gladly voted for Mitch McConnell each time he ran for Senate, but also voted for Jerry Abramson and continue to support him to this day.

However, I became uncomfortable with the GOP's move to the right, and began to question its candidates' judgment. Reagan's huge deficits bothered me greatly, as did George H.W. Bush's continuation of them. In 1992, I chose to vote for Perot, ended up very happy with Bill Clinton's performance in office, as well as Brereton Jones' and Paul Patton's gubernatorial terms (with minor exception made for Patton's extramarital problems).

I have lobbied Congress a number of times in the 1990s and 2000s, as an unpaid citizen lobbyist, on the subject of civil rights. To say that I am most displeased with the quality of government we, the people, are receiving from the GOP, is the understatement of the century. The GOP is basically owned lock, stock and barrel by the Donald Wildmons, James Dobsons, Chuck Colsons and Pat Robertsons of the world, people with whom most Americans do not share a worldview, and people who want to impose their morality on the entire nation.

Anne Northup was supported by George W. Bush long before he ever ran for president, while he was still running up huge deficits in Texas as governor, deficits that have crippled that state's ability to deal with the problems of their schools, roads and infrastructure, not to mention the influx of hurricane refugees from Louisiana. Bush has continued that record as president, running huge deficits, starting a costly war on a false pretense and actively depriving people of civil rights to please his fundamentalist Christian friends. I am proud to state that I never voted for him.

Which brings us to the issue of Ernie Fletcher, and his rewriting of Paul Patton's executive order, removing protections for sexual orientation and gender identity in state employee hiring. It is another in a long line of attempts by fundamentalist Christians to use GOP-led government to impose their morality on citizens who do not agree with it. The failure of Congress to pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act in the last decade, the failure of Congress to pass a significant hate-crimes bill, the creation of hysteria surrounding gay marriage that resulted in the GOP victories of 2002 and 2004, and the repeated attempts here in Kentucky to void local Fairness laws with acts of the state legislature, are testament to that. Fletcher's removal of protection for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered Kentuckians in state hiring, along with the support of many in the state legislature for the odious bills that would have erased the Fairness laws, mean that the GOP is bigoted, mean-spirited and tied to an ideology that should have died with the old century.

So, with this, I bid farewell, permanently, to the GOP at all levels. Yes, they once fielded candidates for office who were honorable, who did good jobs. But no longer will they gain my vote. I cannot vote for bigots, for candidates who look to decrease, not increase and broaden, civil rights. I cannot vote for candidates who start wars with lies. The current federal tax code and levels of deficit spending are the very definition of irresponsible government.

We have a state legislature that is more concerned with erasing local laws it doesn't like, than in assembling fair and well-considered state budgets, which should be the first job of each state legislative session, not the last. And, finally, with his cutting of state employees' rights, on Diversity Day of all days, Ernie Fletcher has revealed himself to all to be a tool of the fundamentalists, a sellout to manna, and unfit, in my opinion, to govern.

The Power of The Pen



Every so often I get a reminder of the old saying 'the pen is mightier than the sword' and its relevance in today's techno go-go society.

One of my friends was moved to write a letter blasting Governor Fletcher's (R-KY) craven sellout to the radical right wing. A few days ago he rescinded the executive order that Governor Paul Patton (D-KY) signed three years ago that protected Kentucky's GLBT citizens in state employment.

The most odious part of the entire episode is that Governor Fletcher did it on 'Diversity Day' in front of school children and on the same day the University of the Cumberlands was expelling a gay honor student for declaring he was gay online.

Well, that letter to the editor was published as an Op-ed piece. Since it hit the paper this morning the phone has been ringing off the hook. A GOP state legislator called this morning who is the rep in AC's KY House district. A woman campaigning to replace the Republican in her eastern Jefferson County KY House district invited us to her speaking event tonight.

It's one of the things that I always loved about writing. The written word still has the power to galvanize people to action, right wrongs, soothe troubled souls, entertain, enlighten and inform. Even legislators place a higher importance on written communications than phone calls. They equate one written letter to representing the views of TEN constituents. So grab that pen and some paper or sit down at your computer and start writing your local newspapers about what's bugging you. You may see it in print and be surprised at the results.

It may even get you your own newspaper column one day.

800-671-1776

Please feel free to call the Liberty Counsel in Orlando, if you any questions about becoming an Ex-Gay. The number is 800-671-1776. The Liberty Counsel is launching their "Change Is Possible" campaign and is encouraging good Xtian students to attempt to thwart diversity and safe zone policies at their high schools by putting up anti-gay posters and distributing literature that warns (among other things) that "Acting out on same-sex attractions has devastating psychological effects, including increased drug and alcohol abuse."

That number again is 800-671-1776. There's a phone sitting right there on your desk, right? You've got questions, right? I mean, even if you aren't interested in becoming an Ex-Gay, you like to chat on the phone, right? 800-671-1776. It's a free call. I know I have some questions and I'm sure you do too. You might start by asking them how many teen suicides their campaign will cause.

800-671-1776

UPDATE: Try PFOX's spokesperson, Regina Griggs at 703-360-2225 or glbx@juno.com. Ask her whether she'll feel badly when teenagers kill themselves because she shamed them into doing it. Bet she won't.
.

I, Pastafarian

As a devotee of Intelligent Design, I must urge to you to check out Bobby Henderson's Gospel Of The Flying Spagetti Monster, just out from Villard Books. Praise be to the Flying Spagetti Monster and His fearsome Noodly Appendage. All proceeds from the book go towards the purchase of pirate vessels.

Mighty Raƫl

For this Monday's bit of New Yorkana, I present this man, almost as permanent a fixture to Union Square as the statue of George Washington. This man is a Raƫlian, one of the more interesting and less frightening of the science/religion cults. On most days, you can find him marching up and down the sidewalks of Union Square.

Like the Scientologists, the Raƫlians believe that the Earth was terraformed by aliens. But unlike the Scientologists, the Raƫlians do not believe that we have billions of aliens souls living in our body, forcing us to make bad decisions like remaking the same tired movie over and over.

The most fascinating aspect of the Raƫlian religion is that they believe in punitive reincarnation, through cloning. That way suicide bombers can be cloned from their bits of DNA and then we can throw their regrown asses in prison. Pretty sweet, huh?

Their scientists are actively working on the cloning part, but they admit they are having trouble getting the old mind transferred into the new body. A couple of years ago, their company Clonaid falsely claimed to have successfully cloned a human baby. I've always thought that Clonaid sounded like a charity concert for homeless clones. We are the world, we are the fake children....
.

Mighty Real

At the nutty little gay Seder I went to on Thursday night, all the traditional rituals were performed. Only instead of leaving the door open for Elijah, we left it open for Sylvester.

Then we went back to drinking the blood of Christians.
.

April 2006 TransGriot Column




Friends..I Got Friends
Copyright 2006, THE LETTER

Friends
I got friends
My values are with my
Friends
So glad that I
I got friends
And not the fair weather kind


This is the chorus to the classic 1980's Shalamar song about friendship and what it means to be one.

One of the unexpected benefits of founding Transistahs-Transbrothas in 2004 was the fact that I gained some new friends and reconnected with some old ones in the trans community.

A member of Transistahs-Transbrothas recently posted to the list about feeling 'alienated' because TSTB members share a closeness and cohesion that isn't found on many Internet lists and the member felt left out. While that wasn't intentional, the comment did spark some discussion and I spent a few days pondering the question.

What does it mean to be a friend?

Maintaining a friendship takes a lot of work, shared values, some shared interests and a commitment from both parties to keep the lines of communication open. I've been blessed to still have some friends around in my life that I met in elementary, junior high and high school. Others I have met during various periods of my life.

One of my cardinal rules about friendships is that I treat them like a marriage. Once I've gotten to the point that I consider you a friend, it's till death do us part. Loyalty is another important characteristic that I look for in my friends. What I mean by that is that they know that I'll have their backs and they'll have mine.

In that regard I've been blessed to have friends that took two days off from work to help me move, forwarded a manuscript of mine I was working on to an agent, read another one of my manuscripts and critiqued it, set me up with DJ gigs, paid my airfare home when I needed to go back to H-town for my grandmother's funeral and was in between paychecks, and helped teach me the ins and outs of Femininity 101.

I also don't limit myself to my age group when I choose my friends. I like having a diverse, intellectual group of people around me. There are times when a 24 year old can give me fresh insights on an issue that someone in my peer group may not be able to. I also like soaking up wisdom from friends who are older than me.

I always liked having people smarter than me around that I can learn and grow from but that doens't necessarily mean that you have to be a college grad to be my friend. Some of the smartest people I've interacted with in my life had less than a high school education but taught me much.

Friends will also tell you when you're screwing up, give you that motivational kick in the butt when you need it, praise you when you deserve it or give you that comforting hug or words when you're feeling down. They have a way of making you feel that you are the most important person in their lives at that particular moment in time.

It also takes some risk to open yourself up to possible rejection when you first approach someone that you are trying to get to know on that level. But if you do and the two of you click personality wise, its a win-win situation for both parties.

I can't comprehend my life without the friends I've made and I'm going to make and don't even want to try to imagine doing so. But unfortunately we have some peeps in this world who believe that it's a waste of time and energy to get to know someone on that level or they don't want friends because they're antisocial, loners or afraid of being hurt.

Have my friends said things to me that pissed me off? Yes.
Have I said things that have hurt my friends feelings? Yes.

That's just a part of life. If you choose them wisely it minimizes those occurences. Sometimes those moments are either unintentional or can't be avoided because you need to hear the unvarnished truth about something even if you aren't in the mood to accept that advice at that time. If your friend didn't love you, they wouldn't speak up and tell you what you needed to hear in the first place.

There are times when you will crack up laughing at each others stories, cry a bit or get on each other's last nerve, but the benefits far outweigh the alternatives of trying to make your way in a world alone.

Girl Singer

Sometime back in the summer of 1984, my roommate and I drove down from Orlando for a weekend of clubbing and beaching in Fort Lauderdale. My roommate was especially keen to get to the Copa to hear the latest track artist belt out the gay disco hit du jour. Every Saturday back then, the Copa would trot out some young singer, usually somebody with only one moderate hit single and often only one name, to her name.

The artist would take to the stage sometime around 3AM and nod to the DJ (usually Robbie Leslie), who'd then cue up the instrumental side of her record, if we were lucky, or the vocal side if we weren't. We weren't usually lucky. It all depended upon how self-confident the singer was or whether she was, in fact, talented. We'd either watch her lip-synch her own track, sing over her own vocals, or on the odd occasion, actually give it a live go to the instrumental version.

On this particular summer night in 1984, the Copa was mobbed. Business was up, way past the normal summer doldrums that continue to seize the Fort Lauderdale scene in the off-season. My roommate and I gamely tried to hold on to some dancefloor real estate, a vantage point from which we'd get a good view of the stage, but the pushing, and most of all, the heat, finally drove us out to the Copa's outdoor patio for a respite.

As these things usually go, the moment we surrendered our position and got outside, the singer took the stage to the roars of the crowd. We briefly considered fighting our way back inside, but the steam billowing out the club door dissuaded us from the attempt. We took up barstools under the thatched Tiki bar and waited it out. I don't recall that we were very disappointed, there seemed to be an endless supply of these thin-voiced disco singers, most of whom we never heard from again. And anyway, another customer driven out by the heat reported to us that "she wasn't singing live" anyway. Feh.

Over a year later, back in Orlando, my roommate and I excitedly bought tickets to see Bronski Beat, whose landmark single Smalltown Boy had been torturing our souls. Smalltown Boy remains one of the defining songs of my life. The yearning, the wistfulness, the sorrow, the defiance. I had cried the first time I heard it. By coincidence, Bronski Beat was visiting Orlando as the opening act for the singer we'd missed seeing at the Copa the previous year, but we were much more excited to see Bronski Beat.

But we never saw them. Lead singer Jimmy Somerville was arrested having sex in a park restroom back in the UK, and Bronski Beat was pulled from the tour at the last minute, replaced by the Beastie Boys. Ugh. We gave away our tickets in disgust. Years later, I would become quite a fan of the Beastie Boys, but back then we were so disappointed to miss Bronski Beat that we wouldn't even endure a few minutes of the Beasties as the opener for the girl singer, for whose concerts we were now 0-2.

Over the last 23 years, that girl singer has gone on to quite a career. And while I'm not a fan, I'm not NOT a fan, either. And I did buy her most recent record. On Monday morning last week, my buddy Ken got half of his office to log into Ticketmaster, in the hopes of getting us tickets to her upcoming tour. The first two shows at Madison Square Garden sold out within ten minutes, but an hour later when two more shows were added, we got lucky. At the mere price of $375, plus service charge, I will once again attempt to attend one of her concerts. If things don't work out again, I won't get too upset. Ken is treating.
.

Love The Sinner But Hate the Sin: NOT!



Ninety-nine percent of the time I am vehemently criticizing anything Senator Trent Lott (R-MS) says. But I have to agree with this statement that he made on November 8, 1996 to a conservative columnist.

“I’m a firm believer in feeding people their own words back to them, when it’s appropriate.”

It’s time to serve dinner to my fundamentalist friends. On the menu is one of their signature phrases with a generous portion of hypocrisy on the side.

Over the years we’ve heard ad nauseum from them the oft-quoted statement ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin’. They have wielded it like a baton to beat down GLBT people with. Only one problem: Nowhere in the Bible do those words appear together in scripture in either the Old or New Testaments.

I’ll repeat this once again: ‘Love the sinner but hate the sin’ does not appear as a single verse ANYWHERE in the Bible.

Now it is true that God tells us in John 15:12 to love one another as he has loved us. It's also true that God says He hates sin. But unfortunately Fundamentalists have taken these two separate scriptures and melded them into an attack weapon that in their convoluted thought process gives them carte blanche to denigrate gays, abortion doctors, women and anyone else who wants equal rights with impunity.

When you call them out for their Jurassic attitudes against gays, for example, it becomes their all purpose defense for the hatred, bigotry and discrimination they liberally heap upon them. They’ll reply that their actions are okay in "God's eyes." They are just following a literal interpretation of the Bible by denying gay people their constitutional rights to equal and fair treatment under the law and are only showing their displeasure with the sin. Fundamentalists aren't "hating" the sinner when they claim that gays are sick and need healing, should wear warning labels or undergo a godly fumigation. They’re just simply fulfilling their ‘Christian’ mission by showing they need to be "healed."

Yeah right. And Reverend Stanley Kirk Burrell is gonna make a comeback touring as a gangsta rapper.

Fundamentalists have conveniently forgotten that anyone who professes to be a Christian is supposed to forgive the sin, not ‘hate’ it. It is mandatory that you must forgive the sins of any other sinner – including the GLBT peeps you hate. If they can’t or won’t do it and start uttering that ‘love the sinner but hate the sin’ pseudo argument, they will find themselves being condemned by the very God that they claim they love and serve.

Albert Einstein stated that “You cannot simultaneously say that you love someone and use your power against them." Explain to me how you can say with a straight face (pardon the pun) from the pulpit that you ‘love’ someone but demonize them, pass constitutional amendments to deny them the ability to get married, fight tooth and nail to strip away their civil rights protections, openly discriminate against them and work to pressure companies to revoke their domestic partner benefits? That’s not ‘Christian’, that’s just plain evil.

You know something? When The Rapture does happen some of you folks are gonna be in for a big surprise in terms of who gets Left Behind.

Got room for dessert? Let me get that Devil’s food cake for you. Bon appetit.

Wood Friday

I need to remind myself to take this day off next year. Midtown is deserted. Coming to the office on a day when every Jew and Catholic in NYC is staying home? Ain't nobody here but us chickens. At least I'm all alone with my internet porn.

Among with my employers' generous days-off package, which includes 15 personal days on top of vacation days, (hello, it's wonderful to work for the English), I am offered the annual option of taking one of these three days off: Martin Luther King Day, Good Friday, and Yom Kippur. I always take MLK Day, strictly on the principle of it being the only non-religious one. Next year, I'm not so sure.

Back to my....research.

Friday Mailbag, April 14th 2006

Today's mailbag theme: The Hills Have Eyes

What's up Joe?

Just finished up with your Black Party posts and my BF and I finally realized that YOU were the guy that was sitting behind that castle thing writing things down during Buck Angel's second show. You were dancing next to us later on, you were with a bunch of Asian guys. I never knew you were so short, but I guess I hadn't thought about it. Anyway, next year we'll definitely say hello.

Allen and Alan in Albany (TripleAAA on Bear411)


JMG: TripleAAA - I am over 5'7". That's not all that short.


-----------------------------------------------------------

Hey Joe!

A long time ago you told me to check it out [JMG], and I did, but I only became a "regular" over the past few months or so. My boyfriend Scott has been reading your blog for at least a year. When he brought that to my attention, I was like "Oh, Joe? I did him...Uh, I mean, Oh, Joe? I know him--he's an old friend."

Anyway, since then we have both been reading and discussing your blog quite frequently. We were both disappointed that you didn't win that "Bloggy" award. (Is that what it's called?) Anyway, it's fun to keep up with your goings on through your blog. You never fail to amuse me, move me emotionally or just make me think. Thanks for that.

xoxo,
Mike


JMG: Thanks Mike! When do I get to make "friends" with Scott?

----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Joe,

I don't read that many blogs (i'm a law student--not a lot of free time on my hands), but I recently came across your blog and try to read it whenever I can. If I recall correctly, you live on the upper east side, as do I. Usually I would think nothing of it but today when I was sitting in my bedroom (I'm on east XXth street) and I noticed 2 men taking pictures on the roof of the building next to me (my bedroom is on the same level as the roof of the apt building on XXth street).

I think I recognized one of the men as you, although I am not sure. I didn't want to stick my head out of the window, but I was just curious to see if it was you or not. If it is, hello neighbor! Anyway, you have a great blog that definitely helps pass the time in class.

-- Ru

JMG: Ru, yes that was me. My buddy Eddie and I decided to update our blog photos and since it was such a nice afternoon, we took to the roof of my building. The old JMG pic was taken in Dec. 2004 and although I've posted plenty of photos of myself over the last year, I was way overdue to make a change. Just wondering, can you see into my apartment? Cuz that would be hot.

Book-Off

If you are wandering Midtown and a Japanese person says "Book off!" to you, don't take offense, they are probably looking for this store on East 41st Street. New York doesn't have much of a defined Japantown, unlike San Francisco, but there's a pretty decent number of Japan-centric businesses in the few blocks between the Main Library and Grand Central Terminal. I've always thought the Book-Off signage looked rather Ikea-ish and I have no idea what Book-Off is supposed to mean.

Worst Job I Ever Had?

That's an easy one.

Not the summer I spent as a busboy at Red Lobster. Not the month I spent as a copy editor for an start-up Orlando newspaper that never published, never paid me, and whose owner was dragged out of the joint in handcuffs. Not even the semester I spent as an assistant in the news department of a public television station, which primarily involved me spending my afternoons on my hands and knees, hand-writing that evening's copy on a paper scroll (pre-teleprompter).

No, the worst job I ever had was the six weeks I spent in 1985 as the emcee of a comedy club. Six nights a week, two shows a night, I had to introduce the same six lousy comedians. Who did the same lousy material every lousy night. Two times. And three of them did Nicholson impressions.

I'd stand there, staring down at the audience, most of them totally hammered conventioneers, most of whom would talk right over my intro and right on through the comedian's set, and think, "I shoulda never left Red Lobster."

Three of the comedians were already never-was-es, having done every comedy club in the country, tried out for Johnny, maybe appeared on Merv, but basically unwilling to realize that it was never gonna happen for them. The other three were totally unfunny weirdos, thinking they were gonna be the next Andy Kaufman. They weren't even Gary Muledeer. Existential humor is very, very hard. Do not try it before the sodden attendees of the United States Bowling Congress. Really, don't. Did I mention that three of them did Nicholson? I did? Do you need some time to stop the screaming?

These guys all had their intros written on index cards and I was to memorize them and make sure to hit the right lines the right way during their walk-on music. Did I mention that two of them used "Party Train" by The Gap Band? Cuz they did. The worst of our performers was the guy who did a bit involving imaginary conversations between the keys of typewriter. Unless....it was the guy who did a bit about what traffic signs on the moon should say. "Slooooooooooooow." Ha, ha, ha. Slow. Ha, ha. ha. Moon. Oh, maybe it was the guy that did the bit about Ronald Reagan visiting a hooker. Actually, I take that back. That bit killed.

Mexican Flags Visible: Zero

This is yesterday's pro-migrant rally in Washington, DC. Photo from the NYTimes. Unlike last week's rallies, which were a sea of Mexican flags and t-shirts, upsetting even those inclined to be sympathetic, now we see nothing but the Stars & Stripes. These guys learn fast.

Michael Hartney

Hot and funny Michael Hartney is hot. And funny. He introduced himself to me at the NYC Eagle a few weeks ago and I've been enjoying his blog, So I Like Superman, ever since.

UPDATE: Michael is promising to "show skin" to anybody that returns to his blog today. Hey, where'd y'all go?

Withdrawn!

Last night, during my usual post-work Law & Order marathon, I had a funny thought. Wouldn't it be great, if like the lawyers and prosecutors on Law & Order, we could go through life getting away with saying really nasty shit to people, as long as we followed it up with "Withdrawn!"?

Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy: Isn't it true, Ms. Twatdiddle, that you were widely known in the accounting department as the girl who was always having a party in her mouth and that everybody was coming?"

Defense Attorney: OBJECTION!!

Judge: Sustained!

McCoy (throwing up hand): Withdrawn!

Judge: OK, then.

See how great that works? I'd love to be able to use that in my personal life.

Joe: Isn't it true, Vice President Spankerton, that you are the laziest executive to ever draw a check from this company and that you have been known to spend your "business" lunches visiting the 8th Avenue porn shops in pursuit of your obsession with underage Asian girls?

Vice President: You're fired!

Joe: Withdrawn!

Vice President: OK, then.

Or you could use it sexually, like when you pick a guy up online, based on his photographs in which he looks exactly like Matthew Fox.

Door opens.

Yoda: Mmmmmmph. Joe.

Joe: Withdrawn!

Door closes.

YODA: Ok, then. (departs, not using The Force to blow up building.)

I can even seeing using this technique to take back a cruise you've just given in error.

Hot guy coming down the sidewalk sees you cruising him. He gets closer, cruises you back, and then you realize he's not so hot.

You: Withdrawn!

Not Hot Guy: Ok, then.

Scandalous! True! Confessions!

WYSIWYG's next show, Scandalous! True! Confessions!, is this Tuesday, April 18th, at their new home, the Bowery Poetry Club.

Unlike WYSIWYG's old venue, the Bowery Poetry Club does not offer advance/online ticket sales, which is probably why I completely flaked on the last show and went uptown to my apartment after work, missing the show. But one thing BPC does have over the old joint, they sell booze.

The Warm Up Act

This is starting interestingly....

Amnesty

How long would it take...if they left?
Leaving laundries and crop fields bereft?
Within days, (I'd guess...thirty?)
We'd be hungry and dirty.
Stealing a life is not theft.
.

Fish

Virgin Megastore, Times Square, Monday 8PM

Me: Excuse me, can you tell me what that song was that just ended?

Clerk (bored): I wasn't listening, sorry.

Me: Oh, well can I find out? Is that a DJ up there?

Clerk (rolling eyes): I can call up and ask. What was the song?

Me (unnecessarily sarcastic): Well, if I knew that we wouldn't need to call the DJ.

Clerk (Delivers unblinking stare. Long pause): OK. How did it go?

Me: Um, it says something about "I wanna draw you a fish." I heard it in Florida last year and-

Clerk (interrupting): I wanna draw you a fish?

Me: Yeah.

Clerk: Right. OK. I'll ask. (wanders away)

Ten minutes later, the clerk returns, smirking merrily.

Me: Did you find out?

Clerk: Yeah, actually it's called "I Want To Call You My Bitch."

Me (shrinking): Oh.

Clerk (laughing): What did you think it was? I want to draw you a fish? Ha, ha, ha!

Me: I never said that.

Clerk: Ha, ha, ha! Fish.

Chicks Flick Dicks

In 2003, Dixie Chicks lead singer Natalie Maines quipped during a London concert that she was "ashamed" that George W. Bush was from her home state of Texas, prompting me to start paying attention to their music, which I'd previously ignored, as I do with most of the largely inauthentic "country" music that's out there Twaining across the airwaves.

The new single and video from the Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice, is validating my late to the fan party arrival. Watch the video, here. It's one big "Fuck You" to the Amerikkkans that deluged the Chicks with hate mail and death threats after Maines' 2003 ad lib. I'm not sure I would have made the blood for oil mental connection, had I heard the song without seeing the video, but wow, the imagery is powerful, yet elegant. And the Chicks look stunning, particularly Maines.

The best moment of the song and video is when Maines lets loose with this:

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets, and I don't mind sayin'
It's a sad sad story when a mother will teach her,
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.


And how in the world can the words that I said,
Send somebody so over the edge,
That they'd write me a letter sayin' that I better,
Shut up an' sing or my life will be over?


The Dixie Chicks new album, Taking The Long Way, comes out on May 23rd. Aaron pointed out to me that the album is six weeks away from release and it's already #26 on Amazon's sales chart, surely it will debut at #1 on Billboard. Go Chicks, go.

Ride A Painted Pony

Today's New Yorkana: The Bryant Park Carousel. Grandly titled "Le Carrousel", in keeping with Bryant Park's overall French classical theme, the carousel was built in 2002 by Brooklyn's own Fabricon. It strikes me as oddly reassuring that there's a company out there making beautiful brand-new carousels, because when I first noticed this one a few summers ago, I assumed it was an antique, just beautifully restored.

The word carousel is derived from 12th century Arabian games of horsemenship called "carosellos", in case you were wondering, which I'm sure you were. Also, did anybody get the lyrical reference of this post's title? Also also, my mother loved this picture so much when I emailed it to her last summer, she's got gottten it blown up and framed on her sun porch. Also also also, you can ride Le Carrousel for $1.75 and book it for private birthday parties.

You know, I would love to do a bear invasion to the carousel one summer day. I call the pink one.

Eight Of Clubs

Fifth in a series of reviews of lesser-known gay bars....

Eight Of Clubs (no website)

Location: Upper West Side, 230 W.75th @ Broadway
Specialties: None. Local saloon, pool table, jukebox
Door Charge: None
Drink Prices: Average
Clientele Ethnicity: mostly white
Average Age: late 30s - late 50s

I think it was this reader that suggested I visit Eight Of Clubs, after my spate of bar reviews back in February. The Farmboyz suggested we all check it out this Saturday, so with Eddie in tow, we dropped in at 11PM.

Eight Of Clubs is located in the basement of a somewhat decrepit apartment building, just off of Broadway on the Upper West Side. When we stepped into the bar, we were momentarily struck dumb by the decor. Seriously, the tacky just about jumps up and smacks you in the face. The room is long, low, and narrow. The walls are painted bright purple, with shiny red crown molding. Nailed to the walls are many, many yards of rope lights. There's a rainbow flag tacked onto the ceiling over the bar.

Eddie took one look around the room and announced, "I am way too hot to be in here on a Saturday night." Father Tony took one look at my face and said, "Um, so are we not staying for a drink?" I said, "Oh, hell yeah, we're staying! Look at this place! Total blog material!" We ordered a round of Rolling Rock after the bartender told us that their beer selection was "Rolling Rock, Heineken, or Bud Lite in the can." Three beer brands. In a gay bar.

The place was actually nicely populated for 11PM on a Saturday night. All twenty or so of the barstools were occupied, mostly by guys right out of the Lonely Alcoholics catalog. A guy with a ferocious country accent (Kentucky, I asked) was playing pool with a mannish woman who told us she was the bar's "handyman". Father Tony begged her to lose the purple walls. She shrugged. The music is jukebox only and this is some of what the patrons selected while we were there: Cher "Believe", Madonna "Hung Up", ABBA "Gimme, Gimme, Gimme". You get the picture.

We learned that the patrons only use the ladies room, because the men's room door has a big hole where the doorknob should be, allowing patrons seated at the bar to see directly to the toilet. A long time ago, that probably would have been done on purpose, I think. We retreated to the bar's outdoor patio, which is actually quite large and which has even more rope lighting than in the bar. We huddled in the chilly air and discussed our next destination as a gigantic drunk swayed nearby eavesdropping. He stepped over and slurred, "Are you guysh talkin' 'bout bear bars?" I said, "No, we just have beards. Sorry." A couple of minutes later the guy crashed to floor inside, bringing several barstools down with him.

Eight Of Clubs is grim and depressing, but most of all, it is spectacularly, memorably, get out the camera, tacky. I kept getting flashbacks to the horribly similar bars in Orlando that I visited in the early 80's. And while I'm very sure that Eight Of Clubs has a devoted group of patrons who love, love, love the place as their neighborhood hangout, where everybody knows their name, I just hope to Jeebus that I never become one of them.

Chance of returning: Hell fucking no.

Previous reviews: Escuelita, O.W. Bar, The Web, The Townhouse.
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Pogonophilia Rages Unchecked

Looks like somebody has been reading the NY Times.

For amusement, check out this comprehensive list of philias.

Travel Plans

Sunday, 2:45AM, outside The NYC Eagle....

Bear 1: So, did you go home with him?

Bear 2: Fuck no, he lives way the fuck out in Brooklyn.

Bear 1: What, you're too good to cross the river?

Bear 2: No, I'll cross the river. But only to Queens or Jersey. Cuz that's like, close. Like, fifteen minutes, tops.

Bear 1: Yeah, but no Brooklyn? That's fucked up.

Bear 2: Dude, he lives in Flatbush. That's like an hour to get to. Fuck that noise, I'm not riding an hour just for a piece of ass. Plus there's the ride home.

Bear 1: Right, right. I feel you.

Bear 2: I also will not go to the Bronx. The Bronx? Fuck that noise. The worst porn I own is still better than riding up to the Bronx for a piece of ass.

Bear 1: What about Staten Island?

Both: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

When I go back inside, they are still laughing. I'd make fun of them, but I won't even cross the river to Queens or Jersey. Or go below Houston. Or above Central Park. Even the Upper West Side, I'd have to think about.

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Mr. Johnston

Friday, 12pm, Amtrak southbound NYC-DC...

Just outside of Baltimore, a man seated at the rear of my car begins talking loudly on his cell phone.

"Yeah, Dan? Yeah, hi. It's Jack Johnston from mergers in the New York office. Can you hear me, HELLO?"

Purely by chance, I'm seated in the "Quiet Car" where cellphone usage is banned. I notice a few passengers turn around to give Mr. Johnston a "look". I don't turn around myself, but I think that if I were Mr. Johnston, I'd have gotten the message. Nevertheless, he continues, loudly.

"Yeah, OK. No, I hear you. Dan, I'm about 30 minutes outside DC and I'm hoping to get a moment of your time today to run a proposal by you. Hello? You still there? HELLO?"

More passengers turn to give Mr. Johnston a look. He proceeds at full volume, unchecked.

"Yeah. Yeah. Ok. Yeah. No, that's great. Glad to do it. I'll see you there. That's the place on M Street? Fantastic. Thanks so much, Dan. I really appreciate it. Bye." (pause...) "I love you too."

The entire car makes a slow, slow, turn to look back at Mr. Johnston, myself included.

He's sitting with his phone closed, smirking at all of us.

Winner, round one: Jack Johnston.

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Friday Mailbag, April 7th 2006

Three letters to kick this feature off: one sexy, one sweet, one sorrowful.

Hey Joe,

Just a quick note to tell you a thing that may make you giggle. My fuckbuddy and I picked up a guy online Saturday night and he was already on the way over when I realized I recognized his Manhunt pic from seeing it on your blog on your Frappr map. Not that I waste tons of time cruising Frappr maps or anything. Anyway, after we played for about an hour I said "I bet you read Joemygod" and he did the funniest doubletake. LOL. We decided you're probably a prick in real life but usually a good read.

(name withheld)

********

Joe,

I gotta love anyone who feels the same way about Souvenirs as I do. It’s been my signature record my entire career and never fails to get me where I live. It’s also heartening to read that you truly understand what an emotional experience the dancefloor can be to anyone that can actually open up, listen and feel what is going on. Those moments when the room is unified… I call it the “universal mood”. I just wanted to let you know how good it made me feel to read what you wrote.

Best Regards, DJ Michael Fierman


*******

Morning Joe,

[T]oday I read your posts about Sullivan, and right wing conservatism and then found your story about very gay Terrence and I wondered about what coming out meant to you. In the midst of listening to the now ubiquitous Mr. Blunt singing "Goodbye my lover" backedited to cutscenes from Brokeback, I had a good cry and wondered what being gay meant to me and why I find it so hard.... which is actually easy to explain but rather more difficult to understand. My desperate question if you would allow someone you don't know at all to even pose it, was it never a stuggle for you? Did being gay sit so well with how you felt and what you wanted that you never wondered if maybe there was another way round? That sounds deeply closeted and I was, now sort of, but still unsure. Not that I'm gay. But that I'm screwed because of it. Anyway enough rambling, I'm sure you're flooded with enough rabid, anonymous emails to drive you crazy but thank you for your blog and for maybe listening.

Andrew

Andrew, thanks very much for your letter. I think I was luckier than most in that I never really anguished about my gayness per se, mostly I was tortured by how to put it into action. I wish I knew what to tell you to make things easier, other than telling you something like cliched like, "Those who mind, don't matter. Those who matter, don't mind." Maybe my readers can. By coincidence, next week happens to be a rather notable anniversary for me in that regard and I'll post something on that topic then, but I doubt that my teenage remembrances will do you much good today. Maybe it'll help us help you to hear some of the details of your situation.

What I Look At When I Blog

I try not to steal ideas from other bloggers, but seeing as how we're friends in real life and stuff, hopefully he won't be pissed. Slightly less grand view, eh? If this turns into one of those "my left foot" memes, I'll be very embarassed.

UPDATE: Here we go, meme-wise: Boys Briefs, Daily Blague, Big Gay Sam, RED. More of these to come, doubtlessly.

Libby Fingers Bush

Dick Cheney's former top staffer, I. Lewis Libby, has just revealed that Cheney told him that Bush himself had authorized the leaks of critical military intelligence about Iraq, well known to the blogosphere as "the Valerie Plane affair".

While not illegal....

"Mr. Bush's alleged instruction to release the conclusions of the intelligence estimate appears to have been squarely within his authority and Mr. Fitzgerald makes no argument that it was illegal. While Mr. Libby said he gave that information "exclusively" to the Times reporter at their breakfast meeting at the St. Regis Hotel in Washington, many of the findings of the estimate were formally declassified and discussed at a White House press briefing ten days later, on July 18, 2003."

The Dems will make several billion tons of hay from this....hopefully.....

"The fact that the president was willing to reveal classified information for political gain and put interests of his political party ahead of Americas security shows that he can no longer be trusted to keep America safe. - Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean said."

(via CNN & NY Sun)

UPDATE: Andrew Sullivan: "Bush Nailed".

Current mood: Snickering in delight. <--Totally not mocking LJ'ers with this. Much.

Lost In Frappistan

Kids, I have no idea what the deal is with my Frappr map. Everytime I look at the thing, they've changed the user interface and there are more and more (often confusing) features. As of today, 559 of you beautiful people have joined my map. I've added a slideshow of your photos (located right under the map, so NO, that guy with the glasses and beard is not me), but only the 50 or so most recently added photos seem to appear here on JMG. For reasons unknown, some of the earliest added photos have vanished from the actual map, including my own. Also, it seems that the Frappr map is slowing the load-time for this blog, opinions?

A few months ago I've mentioned the Interstate-10 corridor romance that has arisen between two of my Frappr'd readers. I also blabbed about an apparently one-time hook-up that occured with two JMG'ers at Esquelita. And now this morning, I get an email about a three-way that took place over the weekend in which one of the guys recognized one of the other guys from his pic on my Frappr map. Hilarious? Kinda creepy? I can't decide. I've also heard that some of you are emailing each other within my Frappr. I'm a mini-Manhunt!

Roses Are Red, Cheaters Redder

While I get ready for work in the morning, I usually listen to one of the disco oldies stations. One of them has a somewhat humorous running gag in which a listener, suspicious that their spouse may be cheating, has the radio station call their spouse at work, and tell them that they've won a dozen roses (from an actual website called RedRoses.com, the commercial tie in).

With the audience listening, the DJs listening, and the spouse listening on the other line, the suspected cheater is asked who he'd like his free roses to go to, and what the message on the card should read. As you'd might guess, once the cheated-upon spouse hears the name and message, all hell breaks loose. The DJs just sit back and let the mud and the blood fly, albeit with a LOT of bleeping out of curse words.

Well, today the suspicious spouse was a gay guy.

(Dialogue approximated)

Caller: Hi, my name is Dan and my partner's name is Brett. He's always been very flirty with other guys and he says a little flirting keeps a relationship strong and that I'm always paranoid, but lately I've been real suspicious of where he is all the time. I really think he's seeing someone else.

DJ: OK, well let's call Brett and we'll see if your suspicions are correct.

(phone ringing)

Brett: Hello?

DJ: Hi Brett! This is Sammy from RedRoses.com and you've just won a dozen roses....(blah blah blah)

Brett: OK, great! The roses should go to Rodrigo (last name bleeped).

(Dan is silent on the other line.)

Brett: And the message is (I turn off the shower here).....the message is "I wish I knew how to quit you".

(I collapse into helpless giggling.)

Dan: Why you (bleeping) Brokeback bitch! You bitch! You Brokeback bitch!

Brett: Dan? Danny? Is that you? What the (bleep) is going on?

(The DJs and the greater NYC metropolitan area collapse into helpless giggling.)

Brett launched into some clumsy denials, but I had to turn it off. WKTU-FM podcasts their War Of The Roses schtick, here. If they ever post today's Brokeback Bitch, I'll let you know, it's a classic.

Brokeback Mountain is proving to be a cultural reference point with some serious legs, isn't it?

Make it STOP. Please.

Hey Grampaw, Whut's Fer Supper?

Things I can no longer do without my glasses:

- operate my iPod
- shave/trim my beard
- unlock my apartment door
- use an ATM
- pay for drinks
- work my remote controls
- make a call on my cellphone
- glue on my hairpiece
- purchase a Metrocard
- zip up my coat

I guess I should swallow my pride and stop calling them my reading glasses.

My Favorite Texans

My two favorite Texans have a lot in common. They are both handsome 30-ish men, they are both academians, they both toil in the Texan university system, they are both very, very smart, and they are both on my blogroll.

Please drop on in my favorite queer theorist, the GayProf, at Center Of Gravitas, where he riffs on the generational divides that often blockade unity among gay folks, in a brilliant article titled Mind The Gap. If the GayProf is already viewed as an anachronism of gay activism by his students at his age of 31, they would probably think that I was from another dimension.

Less social scientist, more hard-data empiricist, is my real-life drinking pal Dagon, who authors At The Mountains Of Madness, and is currently on a Manhattan hiatus, loaning his talents temporarily (we all hope) to the University Of Texas. Go read Dagon's funny and frightening take on disease, overpopulation, and Andrew Sullivan in a post titled I Believe That Corpses Are The Future.

Mosey on over to Texas, but y'all come back now, ya hear?

April....Showers?

It is snowing like a mofo right now. Seriously, I can hardly see out my office window.

The weather has gone nuts, people. Just nuts.

Email from Aaron: "AWESOME! I luv cataclysmic climate change!"

From up here in my office on 42nd Street, I can see thousands of office windows. It's more than a little bit eerie to look at them now, to see most of those windows darkened by humans standing in wonder. I wonder how many of them are thinking about this.

UPDATE: Five hours later: sun shining, sky clear and brilliant blue, temperature is 55. Go back to what you were doing, people. We've not no crisis here. Nope.

Log Cabin Republicans Continue Working From The Inside

The interweb has been buzz, buzz, buzzin' for the last few days as rumors swirl that new White House Chief Of Staff Josh Bolten is a big ole closeted gay homosexual. On Friday, Mike Rogers over at blogACTIVE posted this photo of Bolten, on a "date" with notorious Republican beard/photo op prop Bo Derek, who also used to "date" that right-wing gay homophobic Uncle Mary, Congressman David Drier (R-CA).

The evidence seems thin at this point, but you might be amused by a blogACTIVE commenter who said: "Being 45 and unmarried in itself is not evidence of being gay. Being Bo Derek's date in itself is not evidence of being gay. Being into motorcycles bigtime in itself is not evidence of being gay. Being 45, unmarried, dating Bo Derek and being into motorcycles... bingo! We have a winner. It is not necessary to break into Josh's pad and find the cast album of Gypsy. He is gay."

UPDATE: Bloggers buzzing: Meanwhile.

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