Tom Cruise...Scientology sh** hits fan; top gun threatens lawsuits over video!

Well, the old **it hit the fan for Tom Cruise this week.



Yesterday morning, a news outlet featured a videotape of the megastar, engaging in secret ceremonies behind closed doors at Scientology headquarters.



If the disgruntled former member of the cult, who released it, intended to "embarrass" Mr. Cruise, they accomplished that feat hands down!



In one shot, Tom enters an "S" meeting, stops to salute a fuzzy blow-up photo of the creator of the organization - Ron L. Hubbard - then proceeds onstage to acknowledge one of the upper echelon of the odd-ball group that raises eyebrows daily.



I surmise the curious elbow-lift infers that all Scientology enthusiasts are "foot soldiers" in the war against, what? Ignorance? Prejudice against the Church's "personality tests"? Overzealous critics harping about the fact that Scientology is not a religion?



Heh, in the inner recesses of my mind, I do seem to recall that Mr. Hubbard was a former Science Fiction writer. Isn't Scientology just a surreal fantasy, conjured up by a very active, demented imagination?



Worse yet, Tom was caught in the flesh, talking Scientologese!



Yup, he babbled with gushing enthusiasm about SP, and KSG, and all manner of things, hidden in a secret code. SP? "Suppress the people", is what it stands for, according to insiders.



And KSG? "Keep Scientology Going" apparently.



Well, if you have a deranged mind, to.



Do you suppose they have a secret handshake too?



I must say, I was a bit envious of that Gold Medallion swinging lavishly around Tom's squeaky-clean neck a few months ago...an award, you say, for his worthwhile contributions to the sect - um - Church?



To be fair to the star, and in a bold-faced effort to gain a different perspective on 'em, I inputted the word Scientology into the online dictionary at Webster's web site. The word isn't even listed, let alone mentioned in a possible list of suspects.



As I was preparing this post, a 20/20 promo for a segment on the "cruiser", sprang across the screen...so, I was inclined to tune in.



Clips catching Tom demonizing psychiatry were downright scary - especially in view of the fact - he alleges that scientologists have the “the authority".



On what?



If this revelation (no connection to the scriptures) wasn't enough to hurl Cruise fanatics over the brink, they hit bullion when Andrew Morton - who released an unauthorized biography this week on the diminutive actor - was on hand to toss in his two cents worth.



"Tom thinks they are super beings," he actually opined with a straight face.



Ironically, the interviewer, added,



"After observing Mr. Cruise the past few months, it appears to me that he needs some psychiatric therapy."



Ouch!



If asked, maybe Dr. Phil will step in and lend a hand.



On a morning show, the reporter noted that word from Cruise's camp is that any individuals posting the video on their web site, will face litigation.



Why don't you just zap 'em with your super powers, Tom?



Andrew Morton's timely tome apparently focuses on the childhood years, as well. The insightful writer uncovered gems like...the fact that Tom collected model airplanes (Top Gun, right?) and played the "sun" in a 5th grade pageant.



As to the quirky, early stint on stage, a former teacher noted that,



"Even 30 years later, it still gives me goose bumps (thinking about it)."



When it was also revealed that Tom Cruise once impersonated Woody Woodpecker, a Bay Area Reporter quipped,



"We'd bet his Woody is memorable."



My money says Cruise suffers from a Napoleon (small man's) complex.









Tom, psychiatrists usually prefer a horizontal position on the couch...

Chelsea Lately...mean girl tart. Off-the-wall E Entertainment comedian...

The moon must have been - trine, or retrograde, or something - what with all the weird vibrations and screw-ball antics going on all 'round me.

As I channel-surfed at a fellow dude's digs around grub hour, I stumbled across a curious E Entertainment re-run - come lately or Chase somethin' - or other.

The show titillated me, somewhat!

My best bud noted that "Chelsea" (the hostess with the moistest) was one of those slutty Lindsay Lohan "mean girls".

Ah, it dawned on me now, why she was being so nasty to the guests!

Notwithstanding, on occasion - the dizzy, sexy, bimbo blonde babe - was prone to ask some pretty insightful hard-hitting questions as they squirmed in their comfy seats.

For starters, when VJ Logan - Smartest Model in America - sprawled down on the couch next to the show's host - Ben Stein - she poignantly asked,

"Do you have a lot of gay guys comin' on to ya?"

The handsome stud laughingly noted that having a brown belt was a prerequisite for a male model - not to hold up his tight, packed, faded jeans - but to deftly fight the limp-wristed dudes off.

I expect his initials - VJ - stand for "very jock".

One of his eyebrows was wandering off a little too much for my liking, though.

Yes, VJ was a bit too preened, for my tastes.

I guess he's what ya'd call a "metro sexual".

A friend of Ryan Seacrest, no doubt.

Ben Stein, silent 'til now, was probed further.

"So, tell me, how long have you and VJ (stands for very jock?) been married?"

On the heels of this dumb probe which elicited a pregnant pause, she continued.

"Seriously, folks, what is the point of determining if models are intelligent?"

Stein responded, rightly so.

"Well, you know, people want to know if good-looking people are smart."

Yeah?

Not me, I just lay 'em down and go at it, if you know what I mean!

Darn!

When VJ asked Chase - uh - Chelsea - if she'd like to see his chiseled abs, the perky hostess jumped at the chance to peek at his succulent tender flesh.

But, the show obviously was hindered by a stifling low-budget.

After all, when VJ thrust up his sweater, the camera failed to pan in.

In fact - when Chelsea stroked the gorgeous model's smoothe hard body - only she and VJ were privy to the sensual moment.

Can't afford a zoom lens, E?

Or, maybe VJ wanted a bump (more cash) to flash the bod naked on the idiot box?

In one odd-ball moment - well, she's inclined to slip into a few - Ms. Lately assured the audience she'd give Tom Cruise material a wide berth

"Cause he's probably got lawyers hangin' around inside the woodwork."

What a scandal.

When one guest made an off-the-wall remark about Marie Osmond, the mean girl softened a bit.

"Gee, if I made a negative comment about Donnie's sister, I'd feel like I attacked the American flag, or something."

Her gaggle of back-up side-kicks - a smidgen of comics - amounted to a handful of squirming worms.

No, they weren't clever or witty, not a bit funny ha-ha.

Well, one joke about a Mormon's six wives all having a headache one night, wasn't so bad.

But, when I realized the show was taped during the writer's strike, it was obvious the picket lines had taken their toll on the quality of the show.

In another "bit" - I guess it's what they used to refer to in TV's heyday as a comedy "sketch" - Lately asked an attorney how to defend herself in the event actor Scott Baio's penis ever slapped her in the face.

I swear, I'm not makin' this s**t up!

At this juncture, I flipped the dial!

Over at "Soup" (Greg Kinnear's previous gig) the camera was focused on a close-up shot of David Beckham on a couch in tight white undies - with shirt in a fly-away position - revealing fabulous rippled abs.

Suddenly, the soccer stud's crotch started to pulsate wildly!

Then, a frothy explosion of somethin' or other, ejaculated all over the place!

Becks - you do inspire fantasies - even among male hosts who doth protest too much!

I couldn't help but wonder at this point, what does "E" stand for?

"Erudite" Entertainment?

Tom Cruise...vanity be thy name?

Did I pull a boner?


If you were paying attention to the full-page ads for the feature film "LIONS for LAMBS" in recent weeks, you undoubtedly noticed some curious goings-on!

Shortly after the film - which had a tepid opening performance - was released, snippets of reviews touting Cruise's acting ability nudged their way to the top of the advertisements in all their radiance. (!)

Of course, many were under the impression, that "LIONS for LAMBS" was a Robert Redford film; after all, the SUNDANCE kid starred and directed, right?

Wrong!

Actually, "LIONS" was the first project Cruise and his producer-partner, Paula Wagner, undertook since Tom got the boot from Paramount.

If you recall, Sumner Redstone (Head of Paramount) did not renew Cruise's contract with the studio biggie because he felt that the star's outside activities - an involvement with the controversial Church of Scientology, for instance - were hurting box office receipts.

Notwithstanding, it's evident at this juncture, that the spotlight was placed on Cruise's acting - by virtue of his own hand!

Think about it...

As Executive Producer on "Lions for Lambs" - Tom was "top dog" - who managed and controlled publicity for the feature.

One has to wonder, then - was it vanity?

A big ego, perhaps.

Or, just plain old insecurity, that prompted Cruise to put his own reviews upfront and center in advertisements in all the major dailies, above everyone else in the cast?

You see, Tom made a classic mistake in the business, which would be wise to pay heed to.

True, for a number of years - the No. 1 Box Office actor - basked in good press, kind thoughts, and was showered with all good intentions.

In addition, one of the sexiest men alive, was the subject of image-boosting articles, a proliferation of flattering photos, and a lot of ego-stroking; uh-huh, from all quarters of the business.

Why?

In the early days of his fledgling career, Tom was smart enough to recognize the importance of an excellent publicist - so - the astute star proceeded to hire a handful of the most capable, powerful, PR agents in all of Hollywood.

With the stellar team at the helm, all was well in Tinseltown, for decades to come.

But, out-of-the-blue one day - without warning - the agitated actor (for some inexplicable reason) fired his loyal Public Relations folks - yeah, he sent 'em packing!

Oh my, it appears he opened Pandora's box, because all manner of strange occurrences befell him.

Suddenly, Tom was fighting with Brook Shields about psychiatry on National Television, jumping on couches, and tooling around town on a - what?

A motorcycle!

The subliminal message was "crystal clear"...the aging Lothario was pining for the heady days when he was once a TOP GUN.

Mid-life crisis?

Bottom line, Cruise was spilling out negative print as fast as the presses could run it...

And, before you could say - "Mission Impossible" - Cruise's image was not only in tatters, but his whole career was in a free fall, to the bottom of showbiz infamy.

Up until the exit of his handlers, there hadn't been any risky business to speak of; in fact, Tom had been blessed with good fortune.

Yes, he was in the enviable position to dictate the questions fielded at exclusive interview sessions, pick and choose the snippets of chit-chat to incorporate into news features, and - most importantly - was able to appease the beast inside...an obvious control-freak, lurking beneath the sunny, outgoing surface.

But all that evaporated into thin air when he ventured into the unknown, after sending his Public Relations officers, packing.

From the sidelines, naysayers titter, that the once affable star is a hair's breath away from the dreaded B-list.

But, with $$$ in the bank, for the moment he's secure - financially - at least.

Tom, you once had us at "hello", what happened?



I did not have sex with that man!



A forced kiss?