As I stopped into a local fast food joint, a bold headline screamed out at me from the front pages of a tabloid newspaper a fellow patron left behind on the counter,
Clinton Secret Divorce Deal!
Gee, it was such tantalizing stuff, that I found myself gobbling down the titillating gossip whole as I munched on my breakfast sandwich over coffee.
According to insiders, Hillary Clinton and her philandering husband (their words, not mine) have a secret divorce pact that will end the marriage of 32 years if her historic bid for the White House ends in tears.
Golly!
"She needs the image of a healthy marriage, but it's all a sham. This marriage is made in political heaven, nothing more. Their romance ended years ago," an insider boldly confided to the tattle mongers at the Globe.
Their public display of a harmonious marriage is all a sham, others alleged elsewhere in the wild yarn.
In fact, it was claimed in various quarters - according to the weekly rag - that bitter behind-the-scenes fighting between the two has already threatened to derail Hillary's campaign.
Must be an old issue of the Globe, didn't her campaign go topsy-turvy this past week?
In sum, the "reliable" sources lamented that Hillary was furious with Wild Bill for being less-than-slick recently - what with his take-no-prisoners campaign style, in particular - which drew strident criticisms from even long-time supporters.
Close friends in the inner circle appear to have their knives out, too.
One source swore that,
"She kept him around for his political expertise, but now that seems to be working against her. In the end, she has to ask, "What good is he?"
Not even worth a romp in the hay, you say?
Folks allegedly "in-the-know" chirp, "...she swallowed her humiliation and stood by his side amid the sex scandals, because she needed Bill's popularity, connections and political savvy to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming President.
"They've agreed to end it once and for all if she doesn't capture the White House," a source close to Hillary alleges. "There is no need for this marriage if she doesn't win."
Well, if they say so.
Unfortunately, I was unable to resist the bulk of the other scintillating news bites printed up with eye-catching captions elsewhere in the tabloid rag, either.
A half page article devoted to American Idol winner, Clay Aiken, was a hoot.
In the tell-all piece, Clay Aiken's sexual preferences were questioned; in spite of the fact - he swore up and down - that "nookie" was downright disgustin'.
"No sex, please," he lamented, even though he's not even British!
The newsies found it difficult to fathom a 29 year old guy without "urges".
Likewise, here.
Heh, maybe Clay Aiken is not only super talented, but super inhuman?
Billy Carter has to wonder, "...what, no lust in your heart, either?"
"The only reason to go to those bars is to get drunk and have sex," heart-throb Clay theorized. "To me, bars are what hell is like."
Then, what is heaven like, pray tell? Warbling on American Idol without missing one high note?
Well, you only have to read between the lines: gay!
He didn't even have to mention "show tunes" to figure that out.
A funny scoop was offered up by Tony Randall's widow, too.
Another tidbit about "gayness"...
Gee, homosexuality used to be the love that dare not speak its name; now it appears to be the love people that won't shut up about, eh?
With a straight face, Heather laughed at the idea that people thought Tony was a homo; in spite of the fact he was inclined to effectively play a handful of effeminate roles during the course of his career.
In fact, the fresh-faced lovely went so far as to claim that Tony was such a "stud" - so secure in his masculinity - that he never even suspected people "thought" he was homosexual.
Whoa, Nellie!
Enough of that drivel!
The one titillating piece of gossip that took the cake was the tidbit on Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.
According to the reporter (I use that term loosely) Demi can't sleep nights, afraid that Bruce will end up in the sack, old and lonely.
If that's the case, then why did she divorce him?
According to Ms. Moore, Bruce needs to ditch the b****** and the hot 'n heavy dates with the bevy of young bimbo bombshells he's been bedding.
Date women his own age, you say?
Who? Candice Bergen, or Angie Dickinson - perhaps?
Something tells me, they wouldn't put up with any of that 2nd childhood **it.
By the way, what's the point of dating someone younger, if you can't call "the shots", or use your Machiavellian smarts to maneuver your way - um - on top?
Does the former brat-packer expect us to believe that her 30 year-old stud - Kutcher - doesn't yap at her heels all day, like an adoring pup?
Yeah, come to think of it, the Globe is just a lot of silly, puffed up chatter.
But, I wonder...what kinda' bucks are the tabloid writers raking in, anyway?
Do you think they make more than a blogger?
Maybe it's time to jump ship...
Aw shucks - me, a sex symbol?
For Willis, one sloppy Lewinski - please!